I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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