You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
