dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
