she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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