my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
