Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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