DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
