My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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