If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
