Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
