Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
