and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
