Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
