I'm pants shitting drunk right now
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
