you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
