I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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