you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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