So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
