I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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