dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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