one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
