ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I have grass duct taped all over my body
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
