It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
