It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
