I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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