We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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