I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
