someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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