It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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