Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
