I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
