my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
