everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
