Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
