Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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