Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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