so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
