A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I skipped work to stalk him.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
And the cops told us we were all naked.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
