youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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