but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
