jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
