I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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