Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
