I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
