Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
