fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
