He is such a slut. More and more my type.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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