I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
