Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
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You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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