Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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