He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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