I am in a vortex of obligation.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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