why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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