I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
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He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
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I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"