Will you blow on my dice?
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.