just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
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Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
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I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence