the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize