I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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