im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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