he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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