You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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