i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
