i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
