I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize